Gratitude Amongst the Chaos

A moving highlight of my week was Julie taking our Yoga class for the first time since her son’s tragic death in January. At one point Julie talked us through a healing breath, centring ourselves in our heart chakras, asking us to focus on the gratitude we feel for the love and blessings we have in our lives. Given what Julie has endured over these last awful weeks, I felt humbled and touched. With extreme loss and grief, it can be so easy to slip into bitterness, to feel cynical about being thankful when someone you dearly love has been taken from you. To be guided by Julie to open to gratitude was a lesson for me and it moved me greatly. Julie is going through an incredibly tough and painful journey right now but her willingness to stay open to love inspired me. She is an amazing person and I feel grateful and blessed that our paths have crossed.

Crises, loss, grief, ill health, all teach valuable things. Staying centred in our hearts, keeping open and not closing down on life can be a challenge when we are hurting and afraid. If we trust in gratitude, regardless of the loss, we can find strength. It doesn’t necessarily allow the pain to ease but the sense of meaning at the heart of that difficult journey takes on its own depth, and I suspect is the seed of future healing.

I lowered my Utovlan dose at the weekend to only one tablet a day. I had already dropped to two and my doctor had advised me to stay with this dose for a few weeks before dropping further. Sick of the way the drug has been making me feel – extremes of tiredness, mood swings, depression, anger and interrupted sleep – I made the decision to drop the dose sooner. Within a day I started to feel so much better psychologically. I could feel this lifting and brightening in my head. I suddenly remembered what it felt like to be me and how scary it is that a drug can have such a drastic impact on our personalities. It became clear that Utovlan has been making me feel ill physically and psychologically.

The joy was not to last. Within a couple of days I started bleeding again and this has continued. It is clear that at present one tablet of Utovlan is not enough to overpower the Implant. It is also clear that after three months, the Implant has not settled down. I am being told to be patient, to wait out the six months but deep down I suspect that Implanon is never going to work for me.

I have upped my Utovlan dose back to two after wrestling with the choice of what was worse: constant bleeding leaving me low and depleted or Utovlan leaving me low and depleted but blood free. It’s Hobson’s choice really. For the last couple of days I have felt wretched physically and emotionally. It is obviously going to be a massive challenge for me to hold out until June and the only thing that is keeping me going is remembering Julie and her bravery.

Compassion and love are such powerful healers; I haven’t felt nearly enough of either of these things towards myself of late. A great deal of what I am feeling is obviously being exaggerated and distorted by the Utovlan which is why it is so important to hold on to that fragile thread of my true self that is being submerged by the hormonal chaos that is happening inside me. Via that thread I need to take care of myself, nourish myself and keep open to the blessings that Julie so poignantly reminded me are always there in our lives, no matter how awful things might feel.

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