Tending the Peace Within

'Teach Me To Fly' - Mara Friedman

The Utovlan misadventure of last week eventually led me to increase the dose back to the maximum to stop the bleeding. Despite this, I seem to be rallying. Strangely, over the last few days the awful slump in my energy and mood has lifted. I think this is being helped enormously by the inner shift I have been feeling. The Vessels of Peace meditation practices have been such a support. I had felt so closed off from any sense of the Divine and was rather alarmed at how cynical and bitter I was beginning to feel about so many things. The Utovlan certainly has an unhelpful impact on my ability to perceive clearly but I don’t think that I can blame everything on the drug. In some ways it is proving quite useful in highlighting (if in an exaggerated fashion!) a lot of the frustration and anger that has been lurking and undermining my confidence and well-being of late.

Amongst all this chaotic hormonal restlessness, I am starting to sense something more settled at my core. When I feel myself being emotionally wrenched off course, this core seems to gently throb as if to say, ‘I am here – just stop and focus on me, accept what you are feeling and all this will pass’. This inner voice of support has been growing stronger over the last few days. It feels like there is something on the end of my prayer once more. Of course in reality, it never went away. Our struggles can temporarily blind us; our anger, hurt and confusion can be sharp enough to painfully sever ourselves from a sense of belonging to that vital source.

It can be helpful to stand at the centre of one’s loneliness and fear; to see clearly what one is struggling to shed. This is brought all the more strongly into focus when we feel cut off from our spiritual centre. It is a scary place to be but to be left dangling there amongst the uncertainty is actually quite a fertile condition, one of great potential. I keep thinking of the chrysalis at ‘Butterfly World’ here on the Island. In a corner of the butterfly garden is a little enclosure full of these extraordinary cocoons; lines of potential butterflies suspended from rods, waiting for their moment of emergence. Some are utterly still but some suddenly move in short spasm of anguished wriggling. The final transformation is imminent and they are answering an irresistible urge to break through into a greater freedom. As the wriggling increases, there is such a sense of the struggle and effort it takes to break that ill-fitting shell. We all have to do this at points in our life; our actions driven by an irresistible urge to become a truer, lighter, more flexible shape. There is a heaviness about emotions and situations that have outgrown their time and purpose; a lightness and brightness to those that are emerging; however, it still takes strength and courage to let that emergence happen, even if we don’t really have a choice in the changes that will come. The process can bring with it feelings of fear and doubt about the shape that our future will take.

Despite all this psychologically anguished wriggling of mine, that gentle inward hum of support tells me that ‘all is well, all is exactly how it should be – trust and surrender and let the changes happen’.

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4 Comments

  1. trish said,

    March 31, 2010 at 3:58 pm

    I am so pleased that you are getting there and i love the butterfly metaphor. It completely explains my inner turmoil about my cowardice at facing the conflict i need to have with the decorator (I have been running away from it) I don t know what is coming but need to be a more assertive person and accept that in doing so, although I don t know the outcome I am doing something positive and trusting to divine. I am so pleased you are feeling your inner core again despite still having some problems. Trust and surrender and let the change happen..I like it xxxx

  2. luckyloom1 said,

    March 31, 2010 at 4:09 pm

    Thanks Sweet Cheeks! I do sympathise. Conflict – within us or with others – is such a difficult thing to deal with. Sometimes we do have to let others know when they have unfairly crossed a line – that’s not always a bad thing, it might actaully do him the world of good. Have faith in yourself my lovely one – also have faith that you deserve better treatment too. XXXXXXXXXX

    • trish said,

      March 15, 2011 at 6:36 pm

      thy ve given me a new symbol, im a bit disappointed,,easil y happpens though, just re reading your posts they are so lovely x

  3. luckyloom1 said,

    March 16, 2011 at 12:01 pm

    Oh yes, the new one is really spikey and frenetic; the old one was calm and balanced! :0) Hey, you don’t think they secretly know how we are feeling?! :0) Thanks so much honey for your kind words! May you be calm and peaceful regradless of your symbol! XXX


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