I’m Back!!

Persephone Rising by Zabani

Persephone Rising by Zabani

It’s has been a long time since I posted on this blog; thank you to those people who have very kindly signed up to follow A Druid Thurible – it has been lean pickings for you for some time now.

As many of you know, my father died eighteen months ago. This was followed by a series of challenging events, most notably moving house twice and going through my divorce. On top of this I began to experience the menopause. Losing my fertility has not been an issue for me – I have never wanted to have children – but what has proved difficult has been the hormonal mood shifts and the crippling exhaustion that breaks over me like a dense wave. I have no doubt these symptoms have been made worse by my grief. Dad’s death has been a major loss and it has been a slow process of moving through the myriad and unpredictable feelings that grief brings. So please forgive my absence, I have had so little energy, but I hope that you have enjoyed the archive. I endeavour to get back to posting regularly and this is my first, tentative offering.

Gradually, I feel myself emerging. It isn’t a linear progression by any means; I still have bad days when things feel overwhelming but this last week has found the fog clearing and a little bit of my old whiz and fizz has returned. It’s wonderful to feel myself opening again, particularly in the area of my spiritual life, which has felt particularly stagnant in the aftermath. I just wasn’t feeling any sense of connection. The things that had held meaning have felt distressingly dull and lifeless. Grief can dismantle our sense of self; we can find ourselves without faith or trust in life just at the point we need it most. This sudden disconnection can be devastating; it is like a second bereavement; you can find yourself utterly stripped of your coping mechanisms, and what is left is you – you, your vulnerability and fragility.

When you are in the thick of grief, there is no analysing your way out. As a person who loves to analyse, this was intensely frustrating. I gave up trying to make sense of my feelings; I realised that my futile attempts to label them was my way of endeavouring to feel that I had some control. I didn’t. I ultimately had to admit that I wasn’t alright and no amount of intellectualising was going to contain the deep, bottomless anguish that repeatedly rose to the surface. I loved my dad dearly and we were extremely close. After my mother’s death as a child, he had been both parents, and having lost my sister and my brother living half way across the world, I felt alarmingly alone. Of course, I am not alone; I have a loving partner, family and friends, but somehow that momentous moment when our last remaining parent dies can hard wire us back to all those subconscious childhood fears of abandonment. It doesn’t matter what age you are, you can suddenly find yourself feeling all the anxieties and terrors of a mother and fatherless child.

Imbolc has just happened, and for the first time in a couple of turnings of the Wheel of the Year festivals, I have felt the energy of this one acutely; that sudden stirring and quickening has gripped me. It has been delightfully surprising after the emotional and spiritual paralysis of recent times.

I will write more about the wonderful rekindling energy of Imbolc in my next post but for now I am back and very pleased to be so.

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6 Comments

  1. Julie said,

    February 5, 2015 at 11:51 pm

    I am glad you’re back too Maria 🙂

    I have dipped into the archive during your pause particularly when I’ve felt I needed comfort and,like my yoga mat, I have always found what I was looking for. Thank you. You have a gift for writing.
    When your energy allows come visit, we miss you!!!!

    • luckyloom1 said,

      February 6, 2015 at 5:32 pm

      Thank you so much Julie. It is so lovely to know that you have found comfort in my blog – that makes me very happy. I am missing you all very much, particular your wonderful lessons. I will definitely makes plans to come visit in the spring. Take tender care of yourself lovely lady and I will see you very soon. Lots of love xxxx

  2. Erik said,

    February 16, 2015 at 2:09 am

    Welcome back, Maria! I’m sorry for everything you’ve been going through, and happy to hear you’re starting to come out the other side… and it’s good to see your voice again 🙂

    • luckyloom1 said,

      February 17, 2015 at 3:19 pm

      Hi Erik! Thank you! It’s good to be back! :o)

  3. Carl Markham said,

    December 15, 2015 at 5:32 pm

    It’s not very often that a blog written invariably by a completely ‘unknown’ person goes straight to my heart, and feel a deep empathy with, and for that person. Such has it been with me today, so thank you from the bottom of this somewhat lonesome heart for being so brave and sharing all these emotive feelings with us.

    I note this blog is dated 5 February 2015 – a rather poignant date for me also as it was the first anniversary of the passing into Spirit Sphere of my beloved feline familiar ‘Jaffa’ after no less than 23 years of faithful companionship (that’s 161 yrs. in human terms!), and significant also that he passed at Imbolc; and as you so aptly put it, grief can completely dismantle our sense of self. No use trying to ‘analyse’ this either – because it just doesn’t work that way!

    I found tremendous comfort in that wonderful picture you headed this post with. ‘They’ say ‘a picture paints a thousand words’ and it ‘said it all’ for me. I don’t know the artist at all, so must try to track her/him down as I’d love to have a print of this.

    I do hope you’ll continue to post in this blog you’ve created – I feel I’ve known you for eternity! Blessed Be, Maria

    • luckyloom1 said,

      January 4, 2016 at 1:39 pm

      Bless you Carl – thank you. So sorry to hear about your cat – it is so upsetting when they leave us.


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